There's a part of you in every part of me and I can't outrun you

Throughout your whole life you hear the saying "you never really get over your first love" and yet you never really believe it until you experience it yourself.  Falling in love for the first time is one of the best feelings in the world, but falling out of love?  Eh, not my cup of tea and still something I struggle with almost 6 months down the road. (6 months! We've been apart for 6 months?!) I'd be lying if I said I was over him.  Some days it feels like we were together just yesterday but other days it feels like we were never even together. I'm struggling to find which one makes me feel better, and although we still see each other often; i couldn't feel more distant.

Love and breaking up are hard things to explain.  You fall in love with this person.  Most of the time, and in my case, a person you never in a million years thought you would fall in love with.  They are everything you've looked for and soon you realize you couldn't imagine your life without them even if you tried.  Then suddenly, you don't have to try to imagine it; it happens.  Your whole world literally flips upside down.  You start spending your days and nights alone because the person you spent almost everyday with is now gone.  The person you cried with, laughed with, fought with and loved with has disappeared.  The only person who knew every inch of your body is suddenly gone.  The person you imagined the rest of your life with, essentially your future, is no longer the one you can always run to.  I know he isn't "gone" for good, just gone from my life as a lover, but I wouldn't be exaggerating when I say it was one of the worst things I've been through in my life.  I went through every emotion in the book.  Relief: because I knew the fighting didn't outweigh the good moments anymore.  Anger: because I was so mad at myself and him for not trying harder to make our love work.  Sadness: because I lost the person I was in love with and pictured my entire future with.  And fear: because with him, my life was completely planned out.  After that, I had no idea what was going to happen next. 

The days of crying myself to sleep and bursting into tears at random moments are gone, but that doesn't make it any easier.  Moving on is something I never thought would be such a struggle.  I've moved on in a sense.  I've been on countless dates.  And when I say countless, I mean countless.  Usually the dates make it harder because I realize none of these new guys have made me feel the same way he once did.  I will never understand how he moved on less than a month after our break up, and I'm still struggling to find someone who makes me feel something real.  Sometimes I truly believe he still is the person I am going to end up with, just at a different time. Then other days, I feel like I'm going to be stuck loving him, struggling to find someone who makes me feel the same way, while he's off in love with someone else.  And although I regret nothing between us and will always love him in someway, I will never understand why things happen like they do.  All I can do is trust that everything will work out the way it's meant to work out.  I can't say I'm completely happy, but I can say I'm getting there.  :)

3 songs because I couldn't choose just one to express my feelings :p

Until next time, 

Kelsey

"Stop ruining love by wanting it so bad"

Being unhappy is an emotion that has come into my life more often than I ever hoped it would since 2014 started.  I never thought this year would play out the way it has.  Actually, to be completely honest, I thought it was going to be the exact opposite of how it has been going.  I've been at my breaking point more often than not, ready to give up multiple times and basically turned into a person I never in a million years thought I would be.  I lost the one person in my life who I thought would be a constant and who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  I had our future planned in my head; and somehow through every argument, every fight and every tear, I still held onto that hope that my future would be with him.  When that love went crashing down, so did I.  Most people say I changed during our relationship, but I think the real change occurred during our breakup.  I became an angry person.  I said things to the one person I cared about most that I never in a million years would say to anyone ever again.  I can never take those words back and still to this day it's eating me up inside.  Then after the breakup, I changed even more.  I started doing things I wouldn't have ever imagined myself doing and things that completely threw my morals out the window.  The sad part?  I regret none of it except the hateful words I said that I can never take back.  

On the outside it probably seems like I'm still happy, maybe even happier than I was in the relationship, but I'm not.  Of course I have moments where I'm completely happy and completely myself, but those come and go before I can even let the happiness sink in.  I've found ways to fill the void of him not being here, but even that doesn't always do justice.  I've said I've moved on, but the truth is, I still don't know how to move on.  How do you move on from the person you pictured your entire life with?  Sure, I've went on countless dates and talked to countless guys but nothing seems to compare to the one I still want.  And why do I even still want him?  Our relationship was falling apart way before we ended it and we both weren't happy.  I hate to admit it, but it fell apart because BOTH of us, not just him.  Since I've met all these new guys and went on dates, I realize how good our relationship could have been and I guess that's what kills me the most.  There are so many things I did wrong in our relationship that tore us apart and now I feel like I lost the one person in my life I was supposed to be with forever.  This brings me to the quote "and your behavior decides who stays in your life."  Nothing has ever been more true. My behavior totally ripped us apart and now I regret how I handled our relationship.

I pray that one day I find the guy who makes me forget the past and makes me realize why my last relationship didn't work out.  I hate that I can't go a day without thinking about him and I hate that I can't meet a guy and not compare that new guy to him.  I pick small details out about people now that once I would just overlook, and it's made me cut ties with guys that could have been perfect for me. I'm constantly scared that the new guys will be like my ex, and that makes me hesitant before I even get to know someone. I tend to push guys away, to the point where they walk away from me.  I push them away because I'm scared.  Scared I'll fall in love with someone who could instantly walk out of my life again.  I push them away because I want to find love so bad that I try to force something that isn't there.  And I push them away because I'm terrified that none of them will compare to what I had in the past.  

My goal this summer is to completely make myself happy.  I've done it from time to time since the breakup but I want to start living completely for me again.  I want to put "finding love" on the back burner and let it find me.  I want to start having fun.  Fun that makes me forget why I was even sad in the first place.  Most of all, I want to fight off all the demons in my head and realize that all of the things that are happening in my life are happening for a reason. <3 I'm convinced happiness is coming and I can't wait for that moment.

Until next time, 

Kelsey