There's a part of you in every part of me and I can't outrun you

Throughout your whole life you hear the saying "you never really get over your first love" and yet you never really believe it until you experience it yourself.  Falling in love for the first time is one of the best feelings in the world, but falling out of love?  Eh, not my cup of tea and still something I struggle with almost 6 months down the road. (6 months! We've been apart for 6 months?!) I'd be lying if I said I was over him.  Some days it feels like we were together just yesterday but other days it feels like we were never even together. I'm struggling to find which one makes me feel better, and although we still see each other often; i couldn't feel more distant.

Love and breaking up are hard things to explain.  You fall in love with this person.  Most of the time, and in my case, a person you never in a million years thought you would fall in love with.  They are everything you've looked for and soon you realize you couldn't imagine your life without them even if you tried.  Then suddenly, you don't have to try to imagine it; it happens.  Your whole world literally flips upside down.  You start spending your days and nights alone because the person you spent almost everyday with is now gone.  The person you cried with, laughed with, fought with and loved with has disappeared.  The only person who knew every inch of your body is suddenly gone.  The person you imagined the rest of your life with, essentially your future, is no longer the one you can always run to.  I know he isn't "gone" for good, just gone from my life as a lover, but I wouldn't be exaggerating when I say it was one of the worst things I've been through in my life.  I went through every emotion in the book.  Relief: because I knew the fighting didn't outweigh the good moments anymore.  Anger: because I was so mad at myself and him for not trying harder to make our love work.  Sadness: because I lost the person I was in love with and pictured my entire future with.  And fear: because with him, my life was completely planned out.  After that, I had no idea what was going to happen next. 

The days of crying myself to sleep and bursting into tears at random moments are gone, but that doesn't make it any easier.  Moving on is something I never thought would be such a struggle.  I've moved on in a sense.  I've been on countless dates.  And when I say countless, I mean countless.  Usually the dates make it harder because I realize none of these new guys have made me feel the same way he once did.  I will never understand how he moved on less than a month after our break up, and I'm still struggling to find someone who makes me feel something real.  Sometimes I truly believe he still is the person I am going to end up with, just at a different time. Then other days, I feel like I'm going to be stuck loving him, struggling to find someone who makes me feel the same way, while he's off in love with someone else.  And although I regret nothing between us and will always love him in someway, I will never understand why things happen like they do.  All I can do is trust that everything will work out the way it's meant to work out.  I can't say I'm completely happy, but I can say I'm getting there.  :)

3 songs because I couldn't choose just one to express my feelings :p

Until next time, 

Kelsey