At war with yourself

                                       

I've heard of people saying a disease or illness has taken over their life and controls what they do and how they feel every single day.  It's not that I never believed these people before, it's just that I hadn't hit a point in my life like that yet.  Now, more than ever, I feel like I know what they mean.  My "illness" is definitely not severe, but I'm realizing more and more lately how much it really has changed the way I am from day to day.

When I was in just the sixth grade (still a child in my book) I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.  I was anxious every time I was away from home and starting a new school set me over the edge.  I worried about more things than an average sixth grader would worry about. I was then prescribed medicine to help ease my anxiety.  Being in only sixth grade I decided to just stop taking the medicine because I did not want to be different than the other kids and have to be on medicine.  That didn't last long. I was soon put back on the medicine and have been taking it ever since.  From sixth grade to my freshman year of college, I had been taking the same dosage and feeling back to my normal self.  Then, I started college at a university and everything went downhill yet again.  I dropped out of almost all of my classes at the university and decided to transfer to a community college the next semester.  The feeling I got in the pit of my stomach everyday before, during, and after school was way to overwhelming and I decided it wasn't worth it to stay somewhere I felt terrible.  My anxiety went back to normal after I transferred schools and I felt back to my normal self, only having bad anxiety every once in a while. I realized back then that anxiety was going to interfere with normal day to day things for the rest of my life.  I couldn't even stay in the school I wanted to go to because it was too much for me to handle, and that drove me absolutely insane.

Now that I've graduated community college the bad anxiety is hitting again and I can feel it over taking my life.  The mix of having my first "real" job, having a serious boyfriend, and knowing I'll be going back to that very same university is almost too overwhelming.  Ever since I started my new job my mood has been different.  I'm not always nice and I can feel myself more crabby than ever.  Having my first serious boyfriend is also something I never thought would be this hard.  I never thought I would be so fearful of losing someone every single day.  I have irrational thoughts that aren't even necessary, but yet I can't seem to get them out of my head.  I cry and get upset about things that aren't even that big of a deal.  Knowing that at the end of summer i'll be going back to that same university doesn't help either.  In my head I feel like I'm ready but I'm terrified it will be a repeat of the past.  

I realize now that anxiety has changed my life forever, and will most likely continue to change my life.  I try so hard to control it and not let it control me as much.  As time goes on I have learned ways to calm myself down when my anxiety gets bad and that seems to help a little.  I don't want anxiety to rule me, and I've decided I'm not going to let it.  

Until next time, 

Kelsey

Maybe it's fate

                                       

It's still weird to me to think about how different my life is now and how everything is turning out. I've said it before and ill say it again, if you would have told me a year ago that all of this would be happening, I wouldn't have believed it. 2013 has been the best year of my life so far and I feel like everything has changed so much; I've graduated college, got my first "real" job, and met the love of my life (yup I said it, I think he's the one.). The last change is the one that I believe has changed me the most and also the one that is still hard for me to believe is happening. Our story is far from your average story and an interesting one to tell.

It all started about 7 years ago. I was just a 13 year old girl going sledding, on valentines day, with my two older brothers and their friends. I was used to hanging our with their friends and it was nothing out of the ordinary, but this time their friend I had a crush on was going with us. Now you might think my crush was my current boyfriend, Tim, but it wasn't. But Tim was there! I was so distracted by my crush that it didn't phase me when Tim would say little flirty things to me, even though his then girlfriend was with him. After he learned I had a crush on his friend, every time I would see him he would talk to me about him. 

Then about 3 years ago I saw Tim again for the first time in years. The instant I saw him I got the biggest nervous stomach ache ever. I never thought anything of it then, but now it kind of makes sense. 

Now fast forward to December 2012, when everything actually began. I saw Tim at a local dance club we both go to, but opted out of saying hi to him in fear he wouldn't remember me. Then a couple weeks later I got a random message on Facebook from none other than Tim. He flirted and said he wanted to take me to the movies. At first, I thought this was a terrible idea. In no way, shape, or form would it be a good idea for me to go on a date with my older brothers' friend. He gave me his number but I chose not to text him right away. (In my defense, I did at least save his number to my phone.) 

A few days later I decided to text him. I don't know what changed or why I did it, but I did. And little did I know that was going to be the beginning of something beautiful. 

I've always been a believer in soul mates and fate, but I never thought I would know mine so many years before I found out it was him. We knew each other for 7 years before anything happened and I always wonder if God was just waiting for the perfect time to bring us together romantically. I know now the butterflies I got 3 years ago weren't just a coincidence, and I don't think even then was the right time.

                                                

Texting him was the best choice I've ever made, and I think I can finally say I've met my soul mate. I can't wait to see how my fairy tale turns out. <3

                                     

[This video has lots of meaning.  Tim McGraw was the first concert Tim and I went to together (actually the only one so far) and I had chills during this song standing next to him.  It was a really special moment (oh Lord lame I know!)]

Until next time,

Kelsey