I've heard of people saying a disease or illness has taken over their life and controls what they do and how they feel every single day. It's not that I never believed these people before, it's just that I hadn't hit a point in my life like that yet. Now, more than ever, I feel like I know what they mean. My "illness" is definitely not severe, but I'm realizing more and more lately how much it really has changed the way I am from day to day.
When I was in just the sixth grade (still a child in my book) I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I was anxious every time I was away from home and starting a new school set me over the edge. I worried about more things than an average sixth grader would worry about. I was then prescribed medicine to help ease my anxiety. Being in only sixth grade I decided to just stop taking the medicine because I did not want to be different than the other kids and have to be on medicine. That didn't last long. I was soon put back on the medicine and have been taking it ever since. From sixth grade to my freshman year of college, I had been taking the same dosage and feeling back to my normal self. Then, I started college at a university and everything went downhill yet again. I dropped out of almost all of my classes at the university and decided to transfer to a community college the next semester. The feeling I got in the pit of my stomach everyday before, during, and after school was way to overwhelming and I decided it wasn't worth it to stay somewhere I felt terrible. My anxiety went back to normal after I transferred schools and I felt back to my normal self, only having bad anxiety every once in a while. I realized back then that anxiety was going to interfere with normal day to day things for the rest of my life. I couldn't even stay in the school I wanted to go to because it was too much for me to handle, and that drove me absolutely insane.
Now that I've graduated community college the bad anxiety is hitting again and I can feel it over taking my life. The mix of having my first "real" job, having a serious boyfriend, and knowing I'll be going back to that very same university is almost too overwhelming. Ever since I started my new job my mood has been different. I'm not always nice and I can feel myself more crabby than ever. Having my first serious boyfriend is also something I never thought would be this hard. I never thought I would be so fearful of losing someone every single day. I have irrational thoughts that aren't even necessary, but yet I can't seem to get them out of my head. I cry and get upset about things that aren't even that big of a deal. Knowing that at the end of summer i'll be going back to that same university doesn't help either. In my head I feel like I'm ready but I'm terrified it will be a repeat of the past.
I realize now that anxiety has changed my life forever, and will most likely continue to change my life. I try so hard to control it and not let it control me as much. As time goes on I have learned ways to calm myself down when my anxiety gets bad and that seems to help a little. I don't want anxiety to rule me, and I've decided I'm not going to let it.
Until next time,
Kelsey
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