Still I can't explain our July in the rain

It's hard to believe that I'm about to enjoy my last weekend of summer vacation and that on Monday I start yet another year of college. 

If I told you that summer 2013 was amazing, I'd be lying.  Now don't get me wrong it had some absolutely AMAZING moments, but it also held one of the toughest times I think I have ever been through.  This summer I've experienced a heart so full I felt like it could explode, and then on the flip side, a heart so empty I felt like it could just disappear. 

I thought I was going to have the perfect dream summer.  After all, I had landed my first "real" job, I had an amazing boyfriend that I loved more than anything, family all around, and fun trips planned with my best friend.  Everything started out perfect, then it suddenly all fell apart and I felt like my world was literally crashing down around me.  It all started with my job.  From the first day of work, until.....I'd say about the second to last week of summer (I was a summer camp counselor), I was handed the worst anxiety of my life.  I still couldn't even begin to tell you what about that job caused me so much anxiety, but I literally dreaded work every single day.  Of course, a couple weeks before summer ended I really started to enjoy my job.  Isn't that how it always works?!  It was a great first job and I wish I would have made the best of it my entire time there.

I also had to face a major decision when it came to what university I was going to transfer to.  After I graduated from my community college my mind was set on going to SIUE.  Then, after I thought about it and thought about my first experience at SIUE, I decided maybe I should look at all my options. I went as far as meeting with a counselor from a different university. In the end, (this week; mind you school starts on Monday!) I decided my best option will probably be going to SIUE.  It could totally be the worst choice ever, but I have to face it now.  So bring on the extra anxiety! (a reoccurring theme in my life, clearly)

The last part of this blog could go on forever and is definitely the hardest one to write, but I'll try and keep it short....maybe.  I've written many times about how amazing my relationship with my boyfriend is, but in July it sort of went downhill.  And when I say "sort of went downhill" I actually mean it was like a really big landslide.  It started out as him just needing a two week "break."  As dumb as it sounds now, I literally thought my life was ending.  I found myself not knowing how to live without him.  I never wanted to be that girl and then suddenly in the midst of all the pain, I realized I had become just that.  I didn't know how to be truly happy anymore and it was killing me inside.  I slept away the pain because I felt like it was the only way to escape. Then exactly a week after the start of our break, he ended it.  He told me it would be better that we just were friends.  Words I literally NEVER wanted to hear from him.  I think after that I was at the lowest point I have ever been in my entire life.  We talked all through our break and breakup but that didn't help, I still felt lost. It didn't help that he would still say he loved me and that one day it might work in the future. I felt like I was holding on to hope for something that may never happen. Then, almost exactly a week after we broke up we decided to hang out (Mind you, the day after that would have been the end of our two week break.) We ended up getting back together that night. I could be the stupidest girl in the world for taking him back and I might get screwed over again, but I decided to follow my heart.

Our relationship still isn't perfect, nor will it ever be, but we are working on it. I've learned many things from this experience, so I guess the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is sort of accurate. I haven't fully regained all the trust I once had for him, but I'm getting there. I'm fearful of the same thing happening again, but in order for us to work on our relationship, I'm trying to forget it. I'm trying my best to leave the past in the past and focus on the here and now.  I have also learned to let the little things, that once made us fight, slide by because they just aren't worth the fights.

I guess I'm just letting things play themselves out now and see what happens.  I'm enjoying life as it comes and all the things it throws at me. <3

Uh oh another song with a story, haha!  Before we decided to take our break we promised each other we would talk about it in person first.  After deciding the break was the only option; we gave each other, what I thought would be our last, hug and kiss.  Walking away after that was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.  I never wanted to say goodbye to the person I was in love with.  As soon as I got in my car, this song came on.  Then literally continued to come on in my car every single time I got in a car. I tried not to take it as a sign because I didn't want to get my hopes up, but we all know I got my hopes up.  I guess the song did actually end up being right:)

Until next time, 

Kelsey