There's a part of you in every part of me and I can't outrun you

Throughout your whole life you hear the saying "you never really get over your first love" and yet you never really believe it until you experience it yourself.  Falling in love for the first time is one of the best feelings in the world, but falling out of love?  Eh, not my cup of tea and still something I struggle with almost 6 months down the road. (6 months! We've been apart for 6 months?!) I'd be lying if I said I was over him.  Some days it feels like we were together just yesterday but other days it feels like we were never even together. I'm struggling to find which one makes me feel better, and although we still see each other often; i couldn't feel more distant.

Love and breaking up are hard things to explain.  You fall in love with this person.  Most of the time, and in my case, a person you never in a million years thought you would fall in love with.  They are everything you've looked for and soon you realize you couldn't imagine your life without them even if you tried.  Then suddenly, you don't have to try to imagine it; it happens.  Your whole world literally flips upside down.  You start spending your days and nights alone because the person you spent almost everyday with is now gone.  The person you cried with, laughed with, fought with and loved with has disappeared.  The only person who knew every inch of your body is suddenly gone.  The person you imagined the rest of your life with, essentially your future, is no longer the one you can always run to.  I know he isn't "gone" for good, just gone from my life as a lover, but I wouldn't be exaggerating when I say it was one of the worst things I've been through in my life.  I went through every emotion in the book.  Relief: because I knew the fighting didn't outweigh the good moments anymore.  Anger: because I was so mad at myself and him for not trying harder to make our love work.  Sadness: because I lost the person I was in love with and pictured my entire future with.  And fear: because with him, my life was completely planned out.  After that, I had no idea what was going to happen next. 

The days of crying myself to sleep and bursting into tears at random moments are gone, but that doesn't make it any easier.  Moving on is something I never thought would be such a struggle.  I've moved on in a sense.  I've been on countless dates.  And when I say countless, I mean countless.  Usually the dates make it harder because I realize none of these new guys have made me feel the same way he once did.  I will never understand how he moved on less than a month after our break up, and I'm still struggling to find someone who makes me feel something real.  Sometimes I truly believe he still is the person I am going to end up with, just at a different time. Then other days, I feel like I'm going to be stuck loving him, struggling to find someone who makes me feel the same way, while he's off in love with someone else.  And although I regret nothing between us and will always love him in someway, I will never understand why things happen like they do.  All I can do is trust that everything will work out the way it's meant to work out.  I can't say I'm completely happy, but I can say I'm getting there.  :)

3 songs because I couldn't choose just one to express my feelings :p

Until next time, 

Kelsey

"Stop ruining love by wanting it so bad"

Being unhappy is an emotion that has come into my life more often than I ever hoped it would since 2014 started.  I never thought this year would play out the way it has.  Actually, to be completely honest, I thought it was going to be the exact opposite of how it has been going.  I've been at my breaking point more often than not, ready to give up multiple times and basically turned into a person I never in a million years thought I would be.  I lost the one person in my life who I thought would be a constant and who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  I had our future planned in my head; and somehow through every argument, every fight and every tear, I still held onto that hope that my future would be with him.  When that love went crashing down, so did I.  Most people say I changed during our relationship, but I think the real change occurred during our breakup.  I became an angry person.  I said things to the one person I cared about most that I never in a million years would say to anyone ever again.  I can never take those words back and still to this day it's eating me up inside.  Then after the breakup, I changed even more.  I started doing things I wouldn't have ever imagined myself doing and things that completely threw my morals out the window.  The sad part?  I regret none of it except the hateful words I said that I can never take back.  

On the outside it probably seems like I'm still happy, maybe even happier than I was in the relationship, but I'm not.  Of course I have moments where I'm completely happy and completely myself, but those come and go before I can even let the happiness sink in.  I've found ways to fill the void of him not being here, but even that doesn't always do justice.  I've said I've moved on, but the truth is, I still don't know how to move on.  How do you move on from the person you pictured your entire life with?  Sure, I've went on countless dates and talked to countless guys but nothing seems to compare to the one I still want.  And why do I even still want him?  Our relationship was falling apart way before we ended it and we both weren't happy.  I hate to admit it, but it fell apart because BOTH of us, not just him.  Since I've met all these new guys and went on dates, I realize how good our relationship could have been and I guess that's what kills me the most.  There are so many things I did wrong in our relationship that tore us apart and now I feel like I lost the one person in my life I was supposed to be with forever.  This brings me to the quote "and your behavior decides who stays in your life."  Nothing has ever been more true. My behavior totally ripped us apart and now I regret how I handled our relationship.

I pray that one day I find the guy who makes me forget the past and makes me realize why my last relationship didn't work out.  I hate that I can't go a day without thinking about him and I hate that I can't meet a guy and not compare that new guy to him.  I pick small details out about people now that once I would just overlook, and it's made me cut ties with guys that could have been perfect for me. I'm constantly scared that the new guys will be like my ex, and that makes me hesitant before I even get to know someone. I tend to push guys away, to the point where they walk away from me.  I push them away because I'm scared.  Scared I'll fall in love with someone who could instantly walk out of my life again.  I push them away because I want to find love so bad that I try to force something that isn't there.  And I push them away because I'm terrified that none of them will compare to what I had in the past.  

My goal this summer is to completely make myself happy.  I've done it from time to time since the breakup but I want to start living completely for me again.  I want to put "finding love" on the back burner and let it find me.  I want to start having fun.  Fun that makes me forget why I was even sad in the first place.  Most of all, I want to fight off all the demons in my head and realize that all of the things that are happening in my life are happening for a reason. <3 I'm convinced happiness is coming and I can't wait for that moment.

Until next time, 

Kelsey

Still I can't explain our July in the rain

It's hard to believe that I'm about to enjoy my last weekend of summer vacation and that on Monday I start yet another year of college. 

If I told you that summer 2013 was amazing, I'd be lying.  Now don't get me wrong it had some absolutely AMAZING moments, but it also held one of the toughest times I think I have ever been through.  This summer I've experienced a heart so full I felt like it could explode, and then on the flip side, a heart so empty I felt like it could just disappear. 

I thought I was going to have the perfect dream summer.  After all, I had landed my first "real" job, I had an amazing boyfriend that I loved more than anything, family all around, and fun trips planned with my best friend.  Everything started out perfect, then it suddenly all fell apart and I felt like my world was literally crashing down around me.  It all started with my job.  From the first day of work, until.....I'd say about the second to last week of summer (I was a summer camp counselor), I was handed the worst anxiety of my life.  I still couldn't even begin to tell you what about that job caused me so much anxiety, but I literally dreaded work every single day.  Of course, a couple weeks before summer ended I really started to enjoy my job.  Isn't that how it always works?!  It was a great first job and I wish I would have made the best of it my entire time there.

I also had to face a major decision when it came to what university I was going to transfer to.  After I graduated from my community college my mind was set on going to SIUE.  Then, after I thought about it and thought about my first experience at SIUE, I decided maybe I should look at all my options. I went as far as meeting with a counselor from a different university. In the end, (this week; mind you school starts on Monday!) I decided my best option will probably be going to SIUE.  It could totally be the worst choice ever, but I have to face it now.  So bring on the extra anxiety! (a reoccurring theme in my life, clearly)

The last part of this blog could go on forever and is definitely the hardest one to write, but I'll try and keep it short....maybe.  I've written many times about how amazing my relationship with my boyfriend is, but in July it sort of went downhill.  And when I say "sort of went downhill" I actually mean it was like a really big landslide.  It started out as him just needing a two week "break."  As dumb as it sounds now, I literally thought my life was ending.  I found myself not knowing how to live without him.  I never wanted to be that girl and then suddenly in the midst of all the pain, I realized I had become just that.  I didn't know how to be truly happy anymore and it was killing me inside.  I slept away the pain because I felt like it was the only way to escape. Then exactly a week after the start of our break, he ended it.  He told me it would be better that we just were friends.  Words I literally NEVER wanted to hear from him.  I think after that I was at the lowest point I have ever been in my entire life.  We talked all through our break and breakup but that didn't help, I still felt lost. It didn't help that he would still say he loved me and that one day it might work in the future. I felt like I was holding on to hope for something that may never happen. Then, almost exactly a week after we broke up we decided to hang out (Mind you, the day after that would have been the end of our two week break.) We ended up getting back together that night. I could be the stupidest girl in the world for taking him back and I might get screwed over again, but I decided to follow my heart.

Our relationship still isn't perfect, nor will it ever be, but we are working on it. I've learned many things from this experience, so I guess the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is sort of accurate. I haven't fully regained all the trust I once had for him, but I'm getting there. I'm fearful of the same thing happening again, but in order for us to work on our relationship, I'm trying to forget it. I'm trying my best to leave the past in the past and focus on the here and now.  I have also learned to let the little things, that once made us fight, slide by because they just aren't worth the fights.

I guess I'm just letting things play themselves out now and see what happens.  I'm enjoying life as it comes and all the things it throws at me. <3

Uh oh another song with a story, haha!  Before we decided to take our break we promised each other we would talk about it in person first.  After deciding the break was the only option; we gave each other, what I thought would be our last, hug and kiss.  Walking away after that was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.  I never wanted to say goodbye to the person I was in love with.  As soon as I got in my car, this song came on.  Then literally continued to come on in my car every single time I got in a car. I tried not to take it as a sign because I didn't want to get my hopes up, but we all know I got my hopes up.  I guess the song did actually end up being right:)

Until next time, 

Kelsey

At war with yourself

                                       

I've heard of people saying a disease or illness has taken over their life and controls what they do and how they feel every single day.  It's not that I never believed these people before, it's just that I hadn't hit a point in my life like that yet.  Now, more than ever, I feel like I know what they mean.  My "illness" is definitely not severe, but I'm realizing more and more lately how much it really has changed the way I am from day to day.

When I was in just the sixth grade (still a child in my book) I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.  I was anxious every time I was away from home and starting a new school set me over the edge.  I worried about more things than an average sixth grader would worry about. I was then prescribed medicine to help ease my anxiety.  Being in only sixth grade I decided to just stop taking the medicine because I did not want to be different than the other kids and have to be on medicine.  That didn't last long. I was soon put back on the medicine and have been taking it ever since.  From sixth grade to my freshman year of college, I had been taking the same dosage and feeling back to my normal self.  Then, I started college at a university and everything went downhill yet again.  I dropped out of almost all of my classes at the university and decided to transfer to a community college the next semester.  The feeling I got in the pit of my stomach everyday before, during, and after school was way to overwhelming and I decided it wasn't worth it to stay somewhere I felt terrible.  My anxiety went back to normal after I transferred schools and I felt back to my normal self, only having bad anxiety every once in a while. I realized back then that anxiety was going to interfere with normal day to day things for the rest of my life.  I couldn't even stay in the school I wanted to go to because it was too much for me to handle, and that drove me absolutely insane.

Now that I've graduated community college the bad anxiety is hitting again and I can feel it over taking my life.  The mix of having my first "real" job, having a serious boyfriend, and knowing I'll be going back to that very same university is almost too overwhelming.  Ever since I started my new job my mood has been different.  I'm not always nice and I can feel myself more crabby than ever.  Having my first serious boyfriend is also something I never thought would be this hard.  I never thought I would be so fearful of losing someone every single day.  I have irrational thoughts that aren't even necessary, but yet I can't seem to get them out of my head.  I cry and get upset about things that aren't even that big of a deal.  Knowing that at the end of summer i'll be going back to that same university doesn't help either.  In my head I feel like I'm ready but I'm terrified it will be a repeat of the past.  

I realize now that anxiety has changed my life forever, and will most likely continue to change my life.  I try so hard to control it and not let it control me as much.  As time goes on I have learned ways to calm myself down when my anxiety gets bad and that seems to help a little.  I don't want anxiety to rule me, and I've decided I'm not going to let it.  

Until next time, 

Kelsey

Maybe it's fate

                                       

It's still weird to me to think about how different my life is now and how everything is turning out. I've said it before and ill say it again, if you would have told me a year ago that all of this would be happening, I wouldn't have believed it. 2013 has been the best year of my life so far and I feel like everything has changed so much; I've graduated college, got my first "real" job, and met the love of my life (yup I said it, I think he's the one.). The last change is the one that I believe has changed me the most and also the one that is still hard for me to believe is happening. Our story is far from your average story and an interesting one to tell.

It all started about 7 years ago. I was just a 13 year old girl going sledding, on valentines day, with my two older brothers and their friends. I was used to hanging our with their friends and it was nothing out of the ordinary, but this time their friend I had a crush on was going with us. Now you might think my crush was my current boyfriend, Tim, but it wasn't. But Tim was there! I was so distracted by my crush that it didn't phase me when Tim would say little flirty things to me, even though his then girlfriend was with him. After he learned I had a crush on his friend, every time I would see him he would talk to me about him. 

Then about 3 years ago I saw Tim again for the first time in years. The instant I saw him I got the biggest nervous stomach ache ever. I never thought anything of it then, but now it kind of makes sense. 

Now fast forward to December 2012, when everything actually began. I saw Tim at a local dance club we both go to, but opted out of saying hi to him in fear he wouldn't remember me. Then a couple weeks later I got a random message on Facebook from none other than Tim. He flirted and said he wanted to take me to the movies. At first, I thought this was a terrible idea. In no way, shape, or form would it be a good idea for me to go on a date with my older brothers' friend. He gave me his number but I chose not to text him right away. (In my defense, I did at least save his number to my phone.) 

A few days later I decided to text him. I don't know what changed or why I did it, but I did. And little did I know that was going to be the beginning of something beautiful. 

I've always been a believer in soul mates and fate, but I never thought I would know mine so many years before I found out it was him. We knew each other for 7 years before anything happened and I always wonder if God was just waiting for the perfect time to bring us together romantically. I know now the butterflies I got 3 years ago weren't just a coincidence, and I don't think even then was the right time.

                                                

Texting him was the best choice I've ever made, and I think I can finally say I've met my soul mate. I can't wait to see how my fairy tale turns out. <3

                                     

[This video has lots of meaning.  Tim McGraw was the first concert Tim and I went to together (actually the only one so far) and I had chills during this song standing next to him.  It was a really special moment (oh Lord lame I know!)]

Until next time,

Kelsey

                            

Bumps in the road

It's funny how a quote pops up at a time in your life when you need it most. I have a beautiful relationship with my boyfriend, Tim, but the last two weeks have been far from perfect. We have fought about every little thing and disagree more often than not. Sometimes I feel like it isn't a beautiful relationship and that it's never going to get better, but deep in my heart I know we are going to fight from time to time, and that's okay. It's okay to disagree, as long as you work it out in the end. We've learned that we have to talk through every argument we have, and I guess in a sense that's a beautiful part of our relationship. We're both lucky enough to have someone that will talk through an argument even though we're mad. My theory now is to never leave mad and I think we've stuck to that pretty well. We make a point to tell one another when something makes us mad or upset, and we talk through it together instead of hiding it. 

We both still have a lot of changing and growing to do when it comes to our relationship, but I feel like we are going to make it. I feel like the "far from perfect" times are only going to make us stronger and our good times even better. 

Our relationship is one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me in my life and I realize it is never going to be truly perfect. I realize were going to have ups and downs, and times when the bad outweighs the good, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful. Love is truly a beautiful thing and although it may not be perfect, it's definitely worth it and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

Until next time,

Kelsey 

Let it be

It's hard to believe that at this time last year I was planning to move to Nashville, Tennessee. I was not necessarily completely unhappy with my life here, in Illinois, but I was ready for a change in my life and I didn't feel like I had anything here that I couldn't leave behind.  I was willing to pack up everything and move for the summer to a place I knew no one, with my best friend along side of me. I wanted to experience new things, meet new people, live on my own, and maybe even find the place I belonged. Moving to Nashville didn't happen last summer, and I know now there's reasons it didn't. So much has changed since then and it's weird to think just a year later I can't imagine packing up and moving somewhere just for the heck of it. I can't imagine leaving the people here behind. My life has changed so much that now that I'm so happy here, I don't feel the need to get out of here anymore.

I'm not super religious by any means, but I know God didn't let moving to Nashville last summer happen for a reason. I had an AMAZING summer staying in Illinois and none of it would have happened if I would have moved. Maybe I would have had an amazing summer there too, but maybe it just wasn't the right thing for me. I can't help but think of the what ifs in this situation.  What if I would have moved there and not wanted to leave?  What if I would have stayed there and spent the rest of my life there?  But the biggest what if is what if I wouldn't have come back and would have never gotten the chance at the relationship I'm in now?  Back then I thought moving was the best idea ever, but I'm glad God works in mysterious ways.  I will say, I was completely devastated when the move didn't happen, but now that I see why it didn't and see how great my life is now, I'm sort of glad it didn't happen.

I'm not saying living in Nashville would have been bad, I just know now it wasn't right for me.  I think it's a place that's meant for me to visit, not live, and I'm completely okay with that.  I'm learning to go with the flow, because after all, whats meant to be will be. <3

Until next time, 

Kelsey