Still I can't explain our July in the rain

It's hard to believe that I'm about to enjoy my last weekend of summer vacation and that on Monday I start yet another year of college. 

If I told you that summer 2013 was amazing, I'd be lying.  Now don't get me wrong it had some absolutely AMAZING moments, but it also held one of the toughest times I think I have ever been through.  This summer I've experienced a heart so full I felt like it could explode, and then on the flip side, a heart so empty I felt like it could just disappear. 

I thought I was going to have the perfect dream summer.  After all, I had landed my first "real" job, I had an amazing boyfriend that I loved more than anything, family all around, and fun trips planned with my best friend.  Everything started out perfect, then it suddenly all fell apart and I felt like my world was literally crashing down around me.  It all started with my job.  From the first day of work, until.....I'd say about the second to last week of summer (I was a summer camp counselor), I was handed the worst anxiety of my life.  I still couldn't even begin to tell you what about that job caused me so much anxiety, but I literally dreaded work every single day.  Of course, a couple weeks before summer ended I really started to enjoy my job.  Isn't that how it always works?!  It was a great first job and I wish I would have made the best of it my entire time there.

I also had to face a major decision when it came to what university I was going to transfer to.  After I graduated from my community college my mind was set on going to SIUE.  Then, after I thought about it and thought about my first experience at SIUE, I decided maybe I should look at all my options. I went as far as meeting with a counselor from a different university. In the end, (this week; mind you school starts on Monday!) I decided my best option will probably be going to SIUE.  It could totally be the worst choice ever, but I have to face it now.  So bring on the extra anxiety! (a reoccurring theme in my life, clearly)

The last part of this blog could go on forever and is definitely the hardest one to write, but I'll try and keep it short....maybe.  I've written many times about how amazing my relationship with my boyfriend is, but in July it sort of went downhill.  And when I say "sort of went downhill" I actually mean it was like a really big landslide.  It started out as him just needing a two week "break."  As dumb as it sounds now, I literally thought my life was ending.  I found myself not knowing how to live without him.  I never wanted to be that girl and then suddenly in the midst of all the pain, I realized I had become just that.  I didn't know how to be truly happy anymore and it was killing me inside.  I slept away the pain because I felt like it was the only way to escape. Then exactly a week after the start of our break, he ended it.  He told me it would be better that we just were friends.  Words I literally NEVER wanted to hear from him.  I think after that I was at the lowest point I have ever been in my entire life.  We talked all through our break and breakup but that didn't help, I still felt lost. It didn't help that he would still say he loved me and that one day it might work in the future. I felt like I was holding on to hope for something that may never happen. Then, almost exactly a week after we broke up we decided to hang out (Mind you, the day after that would have been the end of our two week break.) We ended up getting back together that night. I could be the stupidest girl in the world for taking him back and I might get screwed over again, but I decided to follow my heart.

Our relationship still isn't perfect, nor will it ever be, but we are working on it. I've learned many things from this experience, so I guess the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is sort of accurate. I haven't fully regained all the trust I once had for him, but I'm getting there. I'm fearful of the same thing happening again, but in order for us to work on our relationship, I'm trying to forget it. I'm trying my best to leave the past in the past and focus on the here and now.  I have also learned to let the little things, that once made us fight, slide by because they just aren't worth the fights.

I guess I'm just letting things play themselves out now and see what happens.  I'm enjoying life as it comes and all the things it throws at me. <3

Uh oh another song with a story, haha!  Before we decided to take our break we promised each other we would talk about it in person first.  After deciding the break was the only option; we gave each other, what I thought would be our last, hug and kiss.  Walking away after that was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.  I never wanted to say goodbye to the person I was in love with.  As soon as I got in my car, this song came on.  Then literally continued to come on in my car every single time I got in a car. I tried not to take it as a sign because I didn't want to get my hopes up, but we all know I got my hopes up.  I guess the song did actually end up being right:)

Until next time, 

Kelsey

At war with yourself

                                       

I've heard of people saying a disease or illness has taken over their life and controls what they do and how they feel every single day.  It's not that I never believed these people before, it's just that I hadn't hit a point in my life like that yet.  Now, more than ever, I feel like I know what they mean.  My "illness" is definitely not severe, but I'm realizing more and more lately how much it really has changed the way I am from day to day.

When I was in just the sixth grade (still a child in my book) I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.  I was anxious every time I was away from home and starting a new school set me over the edge.  I worried about more things than an average sixth grader would worry about. I was then prescribed medicine to help ease my anxiety.  Being in only sixth grade I decided to just stop taking the medicine because I did not want to be different than the other kids and have to be on medicine.  That didn't last long. I was soon put back on the medicine and have been taking it ever since.  From sixth grade to my freshman year of college, I had been taking the same dosage and feeling back to my normal self.  Then, I started college at a university and everything went downhill yet again.  I dropped out of almost all of my classes at the university and decided to transfer to a community college the next semester.  The feeling I got in the pit of my stomach everyday before, during, and after school was way to overwhelming and I decided it wasn't worth it to stay somewhere I felt terrible.  My anxiety went back to normal after I transferred schools and I felt back to my normal self, only having bad anxiety every once in a while. I realized back then that anxiety was going to interfere with normal day to day things for the rest of my life.  I couldn't even stay in the school I wanted to go to because it was too much for me to handle, and that drove me absolutely insane.

Now that I've graduated community college the bad anxiety is hitting again and I can feel it over taking my life.  The mix of having my first "real" job, having a serious boyfriend, and knowing I'll be going back to that very same university is almost too overwhelming.  Ever since I started my new job my mood has been different.  I'm not always nice and I can feel myself more crabby than ever.  Having my first serious boyfriend is also something I never thought would be this hard.  I never thought I would be so fearful of losing someone every single day.  I have irrational thoughts that aren't even necessary, but yet I can't seem to get them out of my head.  I cry and get upset about things that aren't even that big of a deal.  Knowing that at the end of summer i'll be going back to that same university doesn't help either.  In my head I feel like I'm ready but I'm terrified it will be a repeat of the past.  

I realize now that anxiety has changed my life forever, and will most likely continue to change my life.  I try so hard to control it and not let it control me as much.  As time goes on I have learned ways to calm myself down when my anxiety gets bad and that seems to help a little.  I don't want anxiety to rule me, and I've decided I'm not going to let it.  

Until next time, 

Kelsey

Maybe it's fate

                                       

It's still weird to me to think about how different my life is now and how everything is turning out. I've said it before and ill say it again, if you would have told me a year ago that all of this would be happening, I wouldn't have believed it. 2013 has been the best year of my life so far and I feel like everything has changed so much; I've graduated college, got my first "real" job, and met the love of my life (yup I said it, I think he's the one.). The last change is the one that I believe has changed me the most and also the one that is still hard for me to believe is happening. Our story is far from your average story and an interesting one to tell.

It all started about 7 years ago. I was just a 13 year old girl going sledding, on valentines day, with my two older brothers and their friends. I was used to hanging our with their friends and it was nothing out of the ordinary, but this time their friend I had a crush on was going with us. Now you might think my crush was my current boyfriend, Tim, but it wasn't. But Tim was there! I was so distracted by my crush that it didn't phase me when Tim would say little flirty things to me, even though his then girlfriend was with him. After he learned I had a crush on his friend, every time I would see him he would talk to me about him. 

Then about 3 years ago I saw Tim again for the first time in years. The instant I saw him I got the biggest nervous stomach ache ever. I never thought anything of it then, but now it kind of makes sense. 

Now fast forward to December 2012, when everything actually began. I saw Tim at a local dance club we both go to, but opted out of saying hi to him in fear he wouldn't remember me. Then a couple weeks later I got a random message on Facebook from none other than Tim. He flirted and said he wanted to take me to the movies. At first, I thought this was a terrible idea. In no way, shape, or form would it be a good idea for me to go on a date with my older brothers' friend. He gave me his number but I chose not to text him right away. (In my defense, I did at least save his number to my phone.) 

A few days later I decided to text him. I don't know what changed or why I did it, but I did. And little did I know that was going to be the beginning of something beautiful. 

I've always been a believer in soul mates and fate, but I never thought I would know mine so many years before I found out it was him. We knew each other for 7 years before anything happened and I always wonder if God was just waiting for the perfect time to bring us together romantically. I know now the butterflies I got 3 years ago weren't just a coincidence, and I don't think even then was the right time.

                                                

Texting him was the best choice I've ever made, and I think I can finally say I've met my soul mate. I can't wait to see how my fairy tale turns out. <3

                                     

[This video has lots of meaning.  Tim McGraw was the first concert Tim and I went to together (actually the only one so far) and I had chills during this song standing next to him.  It was a really special moment (oh Lord lame I know!)]

Until next time,

Kelsey

                            

Bumps in the road

It's funny how a quote pops up at a time in your life when you need it most. I have a beautiful relationship with my boyfriend, Tim, but the last two weeks have been far from perfect. We have fought about every little thing and disagree more often than not. Sometimes I feel like it isn't a beautiful relationship and that it's never going to get better, but deep in my heart I know we are going to fight from time to time, and that's okay. It's okay to disagree, as long as you work it out in the end. We've learned that we have to talk through every argument we have, and I guess in a sense that's a beautiful part of our relationship. We're both lucky enough to have someone that will talk through an argument even though we're mad. My theory now is to never leave mad and I think we've stuck to that pretty well. We make a point to tell one another when something makes us mad or upset, and we talk through it together instead of hiding it. 

We both still have a lot of changing and growing to do when it comes to our relationship, but I feel like we are going to make it. I feel like the "far from perfect" times are only going to make us stronger and our good times even better. 

Our relationship is one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me in my life and I realize it is never going to be truly perfect. I realize were going to have ups and downs, and times when the bad outweighs the good, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful. Love is truly a beautiful thing and although it may not be perfect, it's definitely worth it and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

Until next time,

Kelsey 

Let it be

It's hard to believe that at this time last year I was planning to move to Nashville, Tennessee. I was not necessarily completely unhappy with my life here, in Illinois, but I was ready for a change in my life and I didn't feel like I had anything here that I couldn't leave behind.  I was willing to pack up everything and move for the summer to a place I knew no one, with my best friend along side of me. I wanted to experience new things, meet new people, live on my own, and maybe even find the place I belonged. Moving to Nashville didn't happen last summer, and I know now there's reasons it didn't. So much has changed since then and it's weird to think just a year later I can't imagine packing up and moving somewhere just for the heck of it. I can't imagine leaving the people here behind. My life has changed so much that now that I'm so happy here, I don't feel the need to get out of here anymore.

I'm not super religious by any means, but I know God didn't let moving to Nashville last summer happen for a reason. I had an AMAZING summer staying in Illinois and none of it would have happened if I would have moved. Maybe I would have had an amazing summer there too, but maybe it just wasn't the right thing for me. I can't help but think of the what ifs in this situation.  What if I would have moved there and not wanted to leave?  What if I would have stayed there and spent the rest of my life there?  But the biggest what if is what if I wouldn't have come back and would have never gotten the chance at the relationship I'm in now?  Back then I thought moving was the best idea ever, but I'm glad God works in mysterious ways.  I will say, I was completely devastated when the move didn't happen, but now that I see why it didn't and see how great my life is now, I'm sort of glad it didn't happen.

I'm not saying living in Nashville would have been bad, I just know now it wasn't right for me.  I think it's a place that's meant for me to visit, not live, and I'm completely okay with that.  I'm learning to go with the flow, because after all, whats meant to be will be. <3

Until next time, 

Kelsey  

Pure bliss

I'm going to be that mushy girl that I never wanted to be, and also the girl I hated when I was single. I can finally say I understand what all the relationship "hype" is about (and if you know me at all, you know that's saying a lot.)

I never understood how two people could be so attached to each other after a short period of time. Or how they could say their lives completely changed, but now I totally understand. Exactly a month ago today my life completely changed. Everything I said I wouldn't do, I started doing. Everything I said wouldn't happen, started happening. And although some people don't think it's for the best or don't seem happy for me, most everyone in my life has seen me completely change for the better, and I truly believe I have.  I'm on cloud 9 and it's a feeling I hope lasts forever. I am so completely lucky and blessed to have a man in my life who treats me like a princess and feels like he's the lucky one to have me. Life seems a little brighter now. I've changed into that mushy girl I wasn't before and I love it. I love the feeling of being wanted and the feeling of wanting someone so bad it hurts, even though I already have him. It feels like everything is finally falling into place and I cannot wait to see where this journey takes us.

Until next time,

Kelsey

I don't know about you, but I'm doing this before I'm 22

Ok so I'll give the background story first.  Last year when my friend Brittany and I turned 20 we decided to make a list called "21 by 21."  It was 21 things we wanted to do by our 21st Birthdays.  Needless to say we both failed, 6/21 each.  So, this year when Brittany turned 21 she brought up the idea of trying it again, she even had a clever name to go along with it.  I'm sure by now everyone has heard the song "22" by Taylor Swift (if not check out the video below) The name of the bucket list came from that song, "I'm feelin 22"  Of course I was in.  I love the challenge of a good bucket list.  So we both started writing our individual 22 lists and soon the name evolved to "I don't know about you, but I'm doing this before I'm 22."

I plan to post pictures every time I check something off the list, hopefully this time it will be more than 6!

1. Start my own blog - Wooo hoo one's already done!  Haha ever since I started posting blogs on Tumblr I knew I wanted a strictly writing blog.  So here is is! 

2. Cardinals games - I absolutely LOVE baseball and am totally a St. Louis girl but last season I didn't make it to any games so this season I plan to go to a lot. 

3. Autism walk - I participated in the St. Louis Walk Now for Autism Speaks in 2011 but slacked in 2012, so I want to make it a priority to do it in 2013. 

4. Cliff jumping - As much as I want to do this, it completely scares the crap out of me.  Fear is all the more reason to do it, right?

5. Horse back riding - I haven't been horse back riding since I was really young, so I'm excited to do it again! 

6. Read the bible all the way through - I got my first bible for Christmas this year and started using a bible app to finish the bible in a year.  I plan on continuing to read it and hopefully finish it by the time I'm 22.  

7. Shoot a gun - EEEEEK. This totally scares me.  Guns scare me, but I really want to see what it's like to go to a shooting range. 

8. Go to the drive-in - 21 years old and I've never been to a drive-in.  It will happen this summer. 

9. Stargaze from the bed of a truck - How romantic would this be!? Good thing I happen to have a wonderful boyfriend with a truck! :)

10.  Mail a post secret - This was also on my 21 list and I just never got around to it even though it's really simple.  If you've never heard of Post Secret go check out the website.  Totally amazing. http://www.postsecret.com/

11.  Volunteer for people in need - Volunteering is always something I've been interested in.  I've been a Junior Achievement volunteer 4 times, but I also would love to do something with people in need. 

12.  Eat better and reach my goal weight - Last year I lost 30 pounds and planned to lose 20 more but like always I slacked.  Getting back on track with my diet is a must. 

13.  Explore new cities/towns - I love going to new places and just walking around and eating at local resturants and shopping at local shops.  Summer would be a great time to do it.  Can you say road trip?!

14.  Take a winery tour -I don't even really like wine but I've always wanted to visit a winery.  

15.  Spend the weekend in Nashville, TN and go to a karaoke bar - I am going to apologize in advance for anyone who has to witness this. 

16.  Helicopter ride - Once again totally scary, but totally worth it I think.

17.  Go camping and sleep in a tent - Ewww.  It took a lot out of me to put this one on here.  I'll go camping any day as long as you give me a camper to sleep in, but I would love to see what it's like to sleep in a tent. (I'll probably regret this later)

18.  Go to as many fairs/carnivals as possible -Last summer I went to a few fairs and carnivals and I've never had so much fun, so I fully plan on adding more to that this summer.

19.  Research real haunted places and visit them -I'm also crazy for putting this one on here.  It always sounds like a good idea until you actually do it.  

20.  St. Louis Mardi Gras - I haven't been in so long, so I will definitely be going next year.  

21. Ride an outdoor Ferris wheel - I finally tackled the indoor ferris wheel so now it's time to tackle an outdoor one!

22. Watch the sunrise in Florida - I'm pretty sure I try to do this every year I'm in Florida, so let's see if it really happens this year!

So there it is, the 22 things I want to do before my next Birthday! I'm up for the challenge!

Until next time, 

Kelsey

Follow your heart.

If you would have told me four months ago that my life was going to be this way now, I would have never believed you.  Four months ago I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Trying to decide if I should let go or hold on to someone who clearly did not care about me as much as I thought he did.  I was played and I was played to the point where I used to being played.  I was numb to all feelings and I was not happy. Then something unexpected happened; someone was placed back into my life, and at that time I didn't know why.  At first I thought talking to this person and getting close to this person would be a big mistake, but then I thought to myself  "how do you feel when someone doesn't give you a chance?"  So I decided I was going to put all of my preconceived notions aside and give him a chance, after all, I knew exactly how it felt to not be given a chance.  

Turns out giving him a chance led me to one of the happiest months of my life; January.  Then just like life always does, something changed instantly and giving him a chance turned into one of the worst months of my life; February.  Once again I found myself stuck between letting go and holding on.  I was back in the unhappy place I never wanted to be in again.  I wanted so bad to just walk away and never talk to him again but something, something I will never be able to explain, kept me going back or more.  I went through the entire month of February going back and forth between feelings, and then I realized I was starting to become numb again.  Numb to the point where I wasn't at all myself and didn't even know who I was anymore.  Despite feeling like this, I never let go of the person who was causing all of this emotion.  I pushed through it, because something inside of me was telling me to hold on.  Turns out holding on was exactly what I should have done, it led me to where I am now.  Happy.  Happier than I have been in a long long time.  Excited to see what my future holds.  Anxious to see how it all turns out but at the same time taking life one day at a time and enjoying the little things.  I'm glad I waited around for something I was going to let go on.  I'm glad I stuck it out and made it through it.  I'm not happy that him and I had a month of fights and constant disappointments, but I wouldn't change it now.  I know that that month caused us to grow as individuals and grow together. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is; sometimes, even if no one else agrees with your decisions, you have to follow your heart.  Follow what you're feeling.  It may feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there always is.  The storm can't last forever. 

In every blog, I plan to post a music video that goes along with it. I've realized that every memory in my life has a song that every time I hear it, brings me right back to that place.  I first heard this song when I was at my breaking point in February.  It was so accurate at the time and truly described how I was feeling.  Even though this song is linked to a bad memory, I still love it because it reminds me of all the things him and I have been through. 

Until next time, 

Kelsey 

Hey guys!

My names Kelsey and I just turned 21.  I recently have discovered that I am in love with writing.  I've wanted to start a blog for awhile, but I just never got around to it.  I intend on writing a lot on here, although no one may ever read it.  Writing is a way for me to escape the days when I feel like I'm losing this battle called life, but it's also a way for me to express the happiness in my life.  My life may not be the most interesting to others, but I'm enjoying every minute of it and I hope at least one person can relate to what I write.  

So here we go!  Enjoy!